The other day I was sharing with my new friend, Joel, some reoccuring themes I have in my dreams. One major one being whales--more specifically, humpback whales.
Usually in my dream I see them in small bodies of water, like a pool...very strange. Only one time did I have a dream that I saw a whale and it was dead on the beach and I cried a tremendous amount. It was very weird. I tried to understand what that dream meant to me. Why did I see this dead whale when usually they are alive? I took it to represent my dreams, my ambitions of something I wanted to do that I always dreamt of, dying. Literally a dying dream, or something that was escaping me. Thankfully, within the same dream there was another whale that was almost going to be beached but was being saved by a windsurfer who was riding on top of the whale to veer it off course of the shore...it conquered the beaching and lived.
I am currently in the midst of living in NYC, taking on an opportunity that seems all too surreal with a writer who is not only a great human being, but oddly enough interested in working with me, in investing time in me. I cannot believe it on an hourly basis-but it's happening and for some reason I am doing what I never knew I truly wanted to do. Make sense?
Well, I am currently collecting interviews for a book he is putting together called, Dear: Americans Talk About Love. This is a compilation of stories from different Americans, an incredibly diverse group of interviewees so far-it's amazing.
The fact that I am meeting people, talking about a subject that is mostly on my mind throughout the day is something I cannot believe. I get to talk to people-strangers-about love.
This leads me to tell you about a dream I had last night. I was swimming in the ocean but for some reason it was sectioned off into different chambers. I was swimming and this man gave me a fish to feed the whales. At first I could not see the whales, I thought I had some goggles on but they weren't clear enough. I looked into the water as I was snorkeling and remember seeing this mass floating near me and in complete awe I watched as this mass grew bigger and bigger as it made its approach.
The man told me to be careful with the fish and not to put it in the water or the whale would want to come and eat it from my hands and I told him, "I am not afraid of whales." He clearly had no idea what a whale encounter meant to me.
Sure enough I remember a whale engulfing my leg, but I was laughing and was just really happy, it didn't hurt nor did the whale mean me any harm. It's big flap of a mouth was around my leg and I remember saying how happy I was that this was happening! It was a blissful event!
There's more to this story-more to this dream. But I feel like this was a chapter in my dream life that is telling me that I am being engulfed by my dreams. I am doing what I have dreamt of...and I am incredibly joyful for this string of events and for the people that have been involved in my days. My family, my friends, some strangers...it's insane!
I'm happy that whale grabbed my leg...finally!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
in regards to a truth
I've come to a conclusion, I guess it's an ongoing thing really... that some people are too insecure to be truthful with not only others but even more so with themselves.
I don't pride myself in being more honest than not, I am just happy that I am. I'm honest with people, the way that I present myself is never something I am not. I don't dress to change the way I appear inside or out, I don't have a a face in the closet that I don't wear at the same time twenty four hours out of the day.
This posting was encouraged by an unresolved event today and my best friend Kelli .
There's not too much detail to go into. A friendship between myself and a boy (a man, whatever) that took a strange turn for a little, then for some reason was never able to recover from a fall. I can recover from a lot of falls in this area, I was created for these types of things. I have come to perfect in my 24/25 years of living, the art of recovering from a thing that looked like love.
It must be this hope. We talk about hope a lot, Kelli and I do. We talk about how we have this incredible resilience to these heart bruises. We have this ever so childlike faith in love and in people; that they would give love rather than keep it to themselves or tragically do the opposite. Sometimes we are surprised, sometimes not so much.
In regards to a true love between myself and a man, I can be so diluted and inundated in disbelief and negativity in one instance and then in the same breath have the most overwhelming wave of relentless hope in love. It's dizzying, it's breathtaking and I believe it all to be more than real.
No matter how one man makes me feel to the next and I'm talking about the, speak to my heart with your actions, laughter, intentions, words and encouragement, type of feeling, I will never be lead to believe that it won't happen one day, finding one that will stick, i mean.
I always say I can fall in love with anyone I find myself getting along with. Of course that is not the story with EVERYONE but let's say I've created a grand plethora over the years...I think it comes down to this:
When one man respects the time that I want to invest in his life and the incredible unending love I have to give and can reciprocate if not the same than even more back to me, that is the time I will believe it is a kind of love that won't be repeated in my lifetime.
I'm really eager for the day and am patiently joyful in the meantime.
I don't pride myself in being more honest than not, I am just happy that I am. I'm honest with people, the way that I present myself is never something I am not. I don't dress to change the way I appear inside or out, I don't have a a face in the closet that I don't wear at the same time twenty four hours out of the day.
This posting was encouraged by an unresolved event today and my best friend Kelli .
There's not too much detail to go into. A friendship between myself and a boy (a man, whatever) that took a strange turn for a little, then for some reason was never able to recover from a fall. I can recover from a lot of falls in this area, I was created for these types of things. I have come to perfect in my 24/25 years of living, the art of recovering from a thing that looked like love.
It must be this hope. We talk about hope a lot, Kelli and I do. We talk about how we have this incredible resilience to these heart bruises. We have this ever so childlike faith in love and in people; that they would give love rather than keep it to themselves or tragically do the opposite. Sometimes we are surprised, sometimes not so much.
In regards to a true love between myself and a man, I can be so diluted and inundated in disbelief and negativity in one instance and then in the same breath have the most overwhelming wave of relentless hope in love. It's dizzying, it's breathtaking and I believe it all to be more than real.
No matter how one man makes me feel to the next and I'm talking about the, speak to my heart with your actions, laughter, intentions, words and encouragement, type of feeling, I will never be lead to believe that it won't happen one day, finding one that will stick, i mean.
I always say I can fall in love with anyone I find myself getting along with. Of course that is not the story with EVERYONE but let's say I've created a grand plethora over the years...I think it comes down to this:
When one man respects the time that I want to invest in his life and the incredible unending love I have to give and can reciprocate if not the same than even more back to me, that is the time I will believe it is a kind of love that won't be repeated in my lifetime.
I'm really eager for the day and am patiently joyful in the meantime.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
my damn dreams
This week my dreams have been making me sleep in. It's a bit irritating because even if I don't have a schedule the next day, I like to wake up by around 9 am either way. But no, this week, I cannot get up earlier than 11 am and today put the icing on the cake as I found myself awake at 12:15.
It's not that I'm not thankful for an active sleep life (I know that sounds pretty weird) I am, I get to experience some crazy things during my unconscious life.
Last night, for example, led me to have a dream that I was somewhere around Italy. I was hanging out with a girl Sarah that I have not seen in a long time. She and I were looking at all of these coins some were some the U.S. and some were from the EU. She had these black coins and someone said were called clickels (they were kind of like nickels but were really pretty and were solid black) they were worth $2 and so we gathered up our coins and decided we would split them.
We went up to a machine where you could get the stuffed animals out of and she one THREE at the same time! We were...OVERLY excited about this feat. One of the stuffed animals was a Mickey Mouse and I thought to myself, "...she's got to know that that is the one I want."
As we were yelling that we won three at the same time, someone else, at the same time pulls one from behind their back (they were sitting off to the side) I think they were trying to show us that we shouldn't be too excited.
Well, anyways, I think we got in a little fight with a waiter because he wiped all of our coins off of the table and everyone around us scrambled around to collect our loss as I yelled at the waiter, asking him what the heck he was doing.
The dream ends somewhere at a gas station (oh not before I had a dream I was at my friend Tracy's wedding whose dresses were hanging from the ceiling and they were REALLY long and we were at the dinner rehearsal)
I'm at this gas station and I see all of these people I used to see in Italy and they are lined up at the door and here comes Paola (the cook at the villa) and Bibi (the grandmother at the villa) and they are speaking to me in Italian and all I could say was, Ora mio italiano e` no buon perche ho no tempo per pratica. Bad Italian for me, no time to practice.
Then here I find an email this morning with my reservations in my inbox. A little bit of a strange feeling about it. February 28-April 7. My unconscious life was preparing me for the news this morning.
It's not that I'm not thankful for an active sleep life (I know that sounds pretty weird) I am, I get to experience some crazy things during my unconscious life.
Last night, for example, led me to have a dream that I was somewhere around Italy. I was hanging out with a girl Sarah that I have not seen in a long time. She and I were looking at all of these coins some were some the U.S. and some were from the EU. She had these black coins and someone said were called clickels (they were kind of like nickels but were really pretty and were solid black) they were worth $2 and so we gathered up our coins and decided we would split them.
We went up to a machine where you could get the stuffed animals out of and she one THREE at the same time! We were...OVERLY excited about this feat. One of the stuffed animals was a Mickey Mouse and I thought to myself, "...she's got to know that that is the one I want."
As we were yelling that we won three at the same time, someone else, at the same time pulls one from behind their back (they were sitting off to the side) I think they were trying to show us that we shouldn't be too excited.
Well, anyways, I think we got in a little fight with a waiter because he wiped all of our coins off of the table and everyone around us scrambled around to collect our loss as I yelled at the waiter, asking him what the heck he was doing.
The dream ends somewhere at a gas station (oh not before I had a dream I was at my friend Tracy's wedding whose dresses were hanging from the ceiling and they were REALLY long and we were at the dinner rehearsal)
I'm at this gas station and I see all of these people I used to see in Italy and they are lined up at the door and here comes Paola (the cook at the villa) and Bibi (the grandmother at the villa) and they are speaking to me in Italian and all I could say was, Ora mio italiano e` no buon perche ho no tempo per pratica. Bad Italian for me, no time to practice.
Then here I find an email this morning with my reservations in my inbox. A little bit of a strange feeling about it. February 28-April 7. My unconscious life was preparing me for the news this morning.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
metallic waters and the odd couple
I've deemed the perfect temperature. It settles around 71 degrees give or take 5 degrees...but okay I guess I cannot be so decisive as I will just say that any temperature in the 70's is fine by me. The temperature that makes you not think of how you are feeling, neither hot nor cold. Of course if this temperature range is accompanied by a breeze- all the better.
Give me the view of a humpback whale with a kite in my hand and the weather as described above and I could call it a life.
(like the saying, call it a day)
Did I mention I over explain things in fear that I will be misunderstood?
So, I get to the beach to take a run or walk, however I feel at the time, I greet the gulf waters always with utter joy. Today the water seems to have some sort of blue jean metallic mercury-like appearance, pretty gorgeous actually. The sky seemed to match its colors and the sun was begging for a little exposure since it was making its debut on the other side of the world shortly. The little rays were peaking out of the deliberate holes in the sparse clouds above. Quite a sight to behold for sure.
I walked in the water which was surprisingly not very cold. I found tons of broken pieces of sand dollars which are GREAT for skipping, if you're into that. I am. I can only skip stones that are flat, unlike some pros who can skip all sorts of shapes. I'll learn.
So I walked, I collected, I skipped. At one point, I was mesmerized by the water. To think of it, I am always mesmerized by the water, there's not too much that can grab my attention from it. Anyway, I see this odd couple floating out in the gulf.
A pelican and a seagull. At first, I just think they are swimming near each other. Then I see the pelican fly away and the seagull flies right after it. The pelican takes a dive, the seagull doesn't but lands right next to the pelican, as if it were waiting for it to grab a fish. Maybe it had some master plan to take it from the pelican, I couldn't see how this would work but whatever.
Then the seagull flies away first this time, the pelican follows. The pelican takes a dive, the seagull lands next to it. This happens a few times until they are out of my sight and I honestly don't want to see them separate so I turn and walk back.
This little bond made an impact on me. I was moved by it. I mean, I know it could have been nothing, but no I don't think it was nothing, I think I was just appeasing the random reader who would think it was nothing. Well, I think you're wrong. Either way, it was amazing and made me want to call someone I shouldn't call.
A few minutes later, the odd couple finds its way back up the shore and there they were flying in sync along side of me again. I felt some sort of assurance that they'd still stick together. A good thing too.
Give me the view of a humpback whale with a kite in my hand and the weather as described above and I could call it a life.
(like the saying, call it a day)
Did I mention I over explain things in fear that I will be misunderstood?
So, I get to the beach to take a run or walk, however I feel at the time, I greet the gulf waters always with utter joy. Today the water seems to have some sort of blue jean metallic mercury-like appearance, pretty gorgeous actually. The sky seemed to match its colors and the sun was begging for a little exposure since it was making its debut on the other side of the world shortly. The little rays were peaking out of the deliberate holes in the sparse clouds above. Quite a sight to behold for sure.
I walked in the water which was surprisingly not very cold. I found tons of broken pieces of sand dollars which are GREAT for skipping, if you're into that. I am. I can only skip stones that are flat, unlike some pros who can skip all sorts of shapes. I'll learn.
So I walked, I collected, I skipped. At one point, I was mesmerized by the water. To think of it, I am always mesmerized by the water, there's not too much that can grab my attention from it. Anyway, I see this odd couple floating out in the gulf.
A pelican and a seagull. At first, I just think they are swimming near each other. Then I see the pelican fly away and the seagull flies right after it. The pelican takes a dive, the seagull doesn't but lands right next to the pelican, as if it were waiting for it to grab a fish. Maybe it had some master plan to take it from the pelican, I couldn't see how this would work but whatever.
Then the seagull flies away first this time, the pelican follows. The pelican takes a dive, the seagull lands next to it. This happens a few times until they are out of my sight and I honestly don't want to see them separate so I turn and walk back.
This little bond made an impact on me. I was moved by it. I mean, I know it could have been nothing, but no I don't think it was nothing, I think I was just appeasing the random reader who would think it was nothing. Well, I think you're wrong. Either way, it was amazing and made me want to call someone I shouldn't call.
A few minutes later, the odd couple finds its way back up the shore and there they were flying in sync along side of me again. I felt some sort of assurance that they'd still stick together. A good thing too.
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