Find me in my words.

The other day I wondered what I offered people. Is there a quality I have that I can impress upon people instantaneously? I sometimes feel choked up when first meeting people in group settings. When I have to fend for myself, I feel rather confident but in the presence of another person I only absorb the situation. Rarely do I feel compelled--or able, really--to contribute to the conversation at hand.

I start feeling insecure. The other day after reading a chapter of Studs Terkel's book, Talking to Myself, he writes that it could be possible that he becomes more creative and more alive when he presses down the lever of his "mute companion" (his tape recorder). After absorbing his thought, I concluded that it could be possible that I could only truly be known on a deeper level after having read my words instead of having listened to them. Because it's in my writing where I feel truly expressed and where most of my liveliness rises.

I don't believe that I am a good writer--although I understand that I love writing and in loving something you can only one day find yourself "good" at it--but what I do believe is that it's easier for me to convey my opinions and views, feelings and fears after having time to contemplate my reaction and having taken time to have clearly and concisely expelled them onto paper or typed out on a computer that is not mine. I cannot debate--I cannot--there is no room for editing in debate. Oratory skills have no place in my life and running for presidency will never be in my cards.

Find me in my words: For this could indeed be the only way one would truly get to know me. Although I find it rather bittersweet for all of those first impression encounters that have since expired--because having no opinion is hardly attractive--I find peace in the revelation that I can be known by my words.